Summer: that special time of year. Long hot days and warm, sultry nights. No more school, few responsibilities and plenty of free time for teenage summer love to blossom.
You remember, don’t you, Dad? Think back.
Don’t you recall that special, unforgettable, endless summer as a teenager when she – the most incredible young angel in the most perfect body you had ever seen - danced right into your revved up, hormone-driven, sex starved mind?
Sure you do. And tonight your own little angel is about to leave her guarded nest to go on a date with “what’s his name.”
Now you’re worried - aren’t you, Dad?
You see, you’ve quickly skipped on through that “Summer Love” memory file of yours - past the misty, softly focused romantic image of that special summer girl floating through your mind when you first saw her - and have landed on the stark reality of exactly what you were obsessed with all summer long!
Well, don’t grab your gun just yet.
I may have a few ideas that will ease the tension that just knotted up in your neck and keep you from making that white-knuckle fist when you see “what’s his name” begin to salivate at the sight of your sweet, innocent teenage daughter.
First, make sure you open the door, not your wife – and especially not your daughter. You’ll want him to see your face first, stern and unyielding. Besides, you’ll get a kick out of seeing his first reaction. It’ll also keep your little angel from whispering any last minute “game plan prep” like,“Remember, he’s a Dallas Cowboys fan, but thinks Tony Romo is the worst quarterback they’ve ever had, a big Roger Staubach fan.”
When the boy walks in the door, just grip his hand like a vice, be direct – and smile. You can still be polite - although, who cares at this point, right? Then in a low, soft tone look him directly in the eyes and say, “I’m so glad you’ll be escorting my little girl tonight. She means the world to her mother and me and I would do anything to protect her. So, I can rest assured that nothing…nothing will happen to her, right?”
After a few pleasantries and introductions all around, casually lead him over to your collection of firearms in the gun case and show him your favorite weapon, making certain to point out its stopping power.
“I find the Glock Model G36 Compact .45 ACP with a single stack magazine, like the one I’m holding here - pull back the slide and let it slam shut for full psychological effect - performs most effectively, especially when using 230-grain Hydra-Shok rounds.”
Keep looking at the weapon as you continue.
“Traveling at 900 feet per second, its velocity is just a tad bit slower than say, a round out of my 9mm Berretta. But, wow, what stopping power.”
Then slowly look at him with a slight smile and add, “It’ll drop a guy…like one your size…dead in his tracks.”
Be sure to chuckle deeply as you stare at him.
As you replace your gun in the gun case, tell him you’ll need to make a photocopy of his driver’s license…just to have on file. I usually let them know that, as a private investigator, I’ll be running a background check on them when they leave – "just routine" – and if it’s clear then there won’t be any problems.
Finally, look at them both and say, “No drugs. No drinking. And no sex. Got it? Now, you two have a nice time.”
She’ll be embarrassed that you were so brazen. He’ll just be in shock. And the likelihood of them sneaking off somewhere to have sex will drop dramatically - because all he’ll be able to think about is that Glock and your cold, steely eyes.
Do you think I’m joking? Not hardly.
This column first appeared on Johns Creek Patch.
About this column: Local resident Randy Wyles is an award-winning business and political journalist and the senior investigator for the private investigations firm of Hunter Investigations LLC, based in Alpharetta. He has also worked under private contract for the U.S. Department of Justice. Opinions expressed in this column do not necessarily reflect those of Patch.