Health & Fitness
The 86 Rules of Boozing, Norcross Style
A popular bar poster reminds me of my always-charming patrons at the Iron Horse Tavern. And it reminds me that parents can usually drink kids under the table.
At the beginning of July I headed back home to Ohio for a week. During that time I made the trek up to Battle Creek, Michigan which is were I lived before moving to the lovely and Historic Norcross. While in B.C. I of course had to go to my old watering hole The Griffin Grill and Pub (or "The Griff" to those of us that help pay their rent ). After being attacked by owner, Paul Conkey, he bought me a drink and we caught up. I,of course, mentioned this Blog and he said "You didn't forget The 86 Rules, did you?" What a great idea! So with that I bring you
THE 86 RULES OF BOOZING
The 86 Rules of Boozing, brought to us by Modern Drunkard Magazine, was made to remind you that "There is more to it than just tipping a glass and acting foolish." It is a rather hilarious list hanging in many a bar across the country. Of course, I'm not going to sit here and give you the entire list but I do believe I'll take a moment to talk about some of my favorites...
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Rule #8 - When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails
....you'd be surprised how many people come up to the bar that is 3 deep and not only order the most complex things but do it in the slowest manner possible. I don't even mean incredibly specific drinks but specific instruction as well: "I'd like you to give that 3 soft shakes." Really? Guess what, pal, I'd like to give YOU 3 hard shakes! Get to the back of the line cause, I promise... your drink isn't showing up any time soon.
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Rule #21 - Our parents were better drinkers than we are.
....This one I had to include only 'cause it's funny...and surprisingly true. Now don't get me wrong. I've seen a parent or two have to get spilled into a cab BUT they hold out a lot longer than we tend to expect. At the Iron Horse we (regulars and employees alike) are like some warped little family so when one of our parents arrive everyone comes out to visit.
Shots and rounds start flying and well...All I can say is whatever your parents did in college back before they had you tying them down comes back full force and nine times outta 10 they are puttin YOU in the cab.
Rule #24- After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.
...Or more importantly, stop asking US if you look ok.
Rule #55- If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English
...and conveniently enough this is the same moment you seem to believe what you have to say is of the utmost importance... You grab a hold of the person closest to you and emphatically declare this message. Over and over...and over.
Rule #66- Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.”
...Seriously, what is that? You are sitting at the bar which happens to be the exact same place the beer is. It's one thing if you just sort of randomly ask, "Let's see...What do you have on tap?" while looking over them. But to ask and then just stare at us and wait for the answer... Really?
....and my favorite...
Rule #72- Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a...ahem...Jerk
...The more you drink, the faster you drink... and the less you count what you drink for that matter... yes that IS your tab, no I did NOT include anyone else's drinks on that, yes you DID order all of those...but don't get me wrong... I love that we can have this same conversation EVERY week.
So there it is, a snippet of the 86 Rules of Boozing. Thanks for the idea, Paul, it was great to see you again (even if you DID hug me 1000 times more than I have EVER allowed in the past) and to everyone else..Check out the list. It even gives the rules of stealing you roommates booze...information we could all use (as an excuse).
