This Blog really needs no introduction…Y’all have been waiting for it, so here goes:
I think the most important thing to start with is to say, Congratulations on your nuptials… We’re truly excited for you and appreciate your coming to celebrate your big day with us. We hope you will be happy for years to come.
The next thing I’d like to mention is that when I say “Wedding Parties,” I do not refer to regulars. Very rarely are the people involved in these celebrations anyone we know. Nope, they are out-of-towners, here for one weekend of parties and celebrations. Once that is over we will never see them again, which may actually be a large contributing factor to the behavior they display at these joyous events.
It all begins on Friday nights. After a long shift, the Dominick’s staff comes in for a drink and when we ask about their night they say, “Oh we had a rehearsal dinner” Silence! We all just stare at each other for a moment. “You mean”…gulp… "There’s a wedding in town tomorrow?” Oh Boy.
It always starts the same way: Saturday early evening usually arrives with a boisterous group of guys in tuxedos leading in one poor fellow that looks as if he might be sick. The Groom has arrived! One shot of Jager and the promise that this “stays between us” later and he is out the door to vow his undying love to the woman who, at that very moment, is probably chugging white wine while three people do her hair, six people tuck her into her dress, has one mother says, “Are you SURE you don’t want your hair up?" But regardless, they’re on their own for awhile and we at the pub know we have a few hours left before it begins.
We drink, we dance, we sing Karaoke and for a brief moment we think, ”They aren’t coming!”… Then the doors open.
First in is always the Wedding Party itself. Groomsmen who feel dapper in their tuxedos and Bridesmaids who look rather uncertain in their matching gowns. Until, of course, the best man buys the round of shots. Suddenly these women feel we were put on this Earth to watch them dance and steal things from us. Someone is wearing a hat? Suddenly it belongs to the bridesmaid. Someone is smoking? Sorry, that cigarette now belongs to the bridesmaid. Someone is up singing Karaoke? Well didn’t you know? That space belongs to the bridesmaid…. But thank you, they appreciate you offering the background music for their dance party. Sure the slow sultry dance their doing doesn’t quite go well with Eye of the Tiger--but whatever.
Now, where are the groomsmen? They have bellied up to the bar, pushing people out of the way, calling Jason fun names like “Buddy” or “Chief” while they order shot after shot. Word to the wise, waving money doesn’t get you anything any faster. Oh, and if you whistle for the bartender as if perhaps they’re a dog? You, my finely dressed “buddy” just moved to the back of the line.
The groomsmen/bridesmaid show does get cut short however, when….the Bride and Groom enter. This is a fun moment. They decide they have had enough alone time and are ready to join the party so they head to the pub. As they swing the doors open the ENTIRE crowd bursts into cheers. It's fun, they’re happy. Everyone gives 'em hugs, slaps 'em on the back, yells "Mozel Tov" and breaks glasses.
The groom usually joins his buddies at the bar and the bridesmaids, who moments ago felt the sun rose and set for them, go into “Amoeba Mode." What is “Amoeba Mode”? I’m glad you asked. Amoeba Mode is when the bridesmaids feel the need to protect the bride's dress from the dangers of the bar. To do this they form a wavering circle around her and move en mass throughout the entire pub shooting daggers at anyone who dare gets close.
Uh, sweetie. Yeah, congrats and all, but you WORE your DRESS to a BAR!!! If you don’t want anything to happen to it, well, perhaps we could have arranged some sort of throne perched high for you to sit on where the masses could come and ogle from an acceptable distance. But you didn’t choose the “Throne of Glory,” honey… You WORE your DRESS to a BAR!
Anyhow, the Chief-calling, back-slapping, shot-taking, Amoeba Walking will go on for a few hours and I’m we all know at some point the Groom and his men will get up and sing "Bohemian Rhapsody" but then it will be time to go… and by “time to go” I mean we closed 45 minutes ago…GET OUT!
But alas, we have one bit of drama left…the groom's sister. Now who are we kidding, odds are good this girl never liked her brother to begin with but when it’s time to leave she busts into tears, latching on to him sobbing hysterically about how he is the best brother in the world and how will she ever live without him. He hugs her, tells her it’ll be ok and tries to leave but the poor girl just won’t let go.
The bride tries to be nice for a bit but once this goes on for 10 minutes she gets annoyed and starts to tighten her lips, shake her head and whisper viciously at her maid-of-honor. I, of course, amuse myself by picturing their first family holiday together .
Once they are all out we just sorta shake our heads. What can ya do, right? It isn’t like we didn’t expect it. What is it that causes this behavior? Is it too much drinking and celebrating? Or are the emotions running so high the whole weekend that they are finally just letting go?
Or is the answer found in the great words uttered by our own Karaoke Leader, Grand Master Bean: “I think there’s just something about large groups of people dressed all fancy that makes them think they can behave like major, ahem, 'delta bravos.'"